because I don’t understand boundaries
One of my friends asked me to answer some questions for her blog. As I was going through them I realised I was having a hard time giving them answers they deserve, probably because I’m professionally qualified to ask questions, not to answer them.
So I googled ‘mindful questions to ask yourself’ so that I can tackle my answering phobia head on.
Also, there are 60 of these fuckers so you might want to stop reading while you can.
1. How am I living outside of my integrity and out-of-alignment with my values?
The list of values attached to the original question on the website I stole this from is out of alignment with my values because the list asks ‘what are your guiding principles for your life and work?’
Why does it separately define ‘and work?’ You’d think that a word as all-encompassing as fucking life would cover a concept such as work. This is why I fucking hate fake-deep bullshit such as this. I already regret doing this. What the fuck is the next question?
2. What am I leaving unresolved or unfinished that needs my attention?
I honestly can’t answer this one because by the time I leave something behind, I’m already at a point where I feel like I’m fine to part with it.
This is going well.
3. What legacy am I leaving the world after I’m gone?
Hopefully one of resilience. I’ve dealt with some absolutely heartbreaking things in my life but still kept going, not only barely surviving but also succeeding. My second year of university was the worst year of my life and I still made the honour roll. No clue how but I did.
4. What am I struggling against that I can simply release?
My need to control anything and everything around me.
BUT IT’S NOT SO FUCKING SIMPLE
5. What deep needs do I have that aren’t getting met?
To be vulnerable in front of another human being.
6. How could I be more engaged in life?
By actually taking part in things and hearing what others have to say instead sneering at it condescendingly the first chance I get (for reference, see all previous questions).
7. How am I living or behaving inauthentically?
I don’t act like myself with most of the people I work with. I hardly ever say anything, even though I’m actually a very chatty person. Who I consider my most authentic self, the one who tweets about tits and swears a lot, often doesn’t collide with the person I appear to be at the work place. The other day I met a girl I really got along with and it must’ve shown because I could hear one of my colleagues saying ‘it’s nice to hear Ida talk.’
That made me pause for a moment.
8. What (or who) am I tolerating that I really don’t want in my life?
All the shit that I was told by my abusive ex that I know in my rational head to not to be true but which sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
9. How am I making choices based on “I should” rather than “I desire”?
This question really annoys me. Life isn’t always about what you desire. I’d desire to be writing again for a living but I don’t even make it to interview, probably because my CV has a two-year gap due to illness. I’d desire to be able to work full-time at my current job but my meds have made me gain four stones in eighteen months and it would be too hard on my joints. Still, I have to eat and pay rent. So these are things I should be doing. Not everything in life is down to what you want. Life isn’t fair.
10. How am I not accepting someone I love for who they really are?
I don’t accept myself as a person who has done some cool things. The first time I ever lived alone was when I moved to study in a foreign language in another country. I have been able to form close and loving relationships that are entirely based on my ability to speak the said foreign language. I qualified in my childhood dream profession. I am able to write shorthand 100 words per minute even though my dyspraxia should render it virtually impossible. I survived through some horrific experiences. I live independently and support myself despite my health conditions.
Still, all I can see is how I ignored the abyss building up in my head during all this time until it was too late and ruined everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I know I make it seem like my life was perfect until one day I found myself writing my suicide letter. That’s not true. I had countless chances to get help. My body was sending out so many emergency signals. I ignored all of them.
It’s not my fault that I got ill but I’m not 100% innocent in how it unfolded either.
11. How am I behaving as a reactor rather than an initiator?
M8, that’s my whole life. I just judge what others do while not doing shit.
12. How am I censoring what I really think or feel because I’m afraid?
I don’t ask for help because I’m afraid people will say no.
13. In what ways do I diminish other people to make myself feel better?
I make fun of them. For example, I might say (either inside my head or out loud, I never claimed to be a nice person) that someone’s wedding dress is ugly to ignore the fact that I’m terrified that nobody will ever love me enough to declare it to their nearest and dearest as well as the entire society.
14. Where am I holding back forgiveness?
I will never forgive my rapist but I’m fine with that. I didn’t get to choose what happened to me but I get to choose do I forgive or not. I withdraw forgiveness because what he did was unforgivable and nonredeemable. It’s not something that can be apologised for or forgiven. I’m told that forgiveness could make me feel better but it brings me way more satisfaction that I finally got to have a choice and my ‘no’ is the final word.
15. How do the people who surround me reflect who I am?
The people who get annoyed by me bossing them around react to the controlling, humour-lacking bitch that I can be when I’m paid for my time. Career-me and home-me are two very different people.
16. Where do I have a “lack” mentality?
I don’t understand the question. I lack a lot of things but I also have a lot of things. As long as the things I have outnumbers the things I lack I should be all right.
17. What negative thought patterns do I have consistently?
Emotional numbness is horrible –> Finally, after weeks and months of complete numbness an emotion such as sadness comes up –> I self-harm or do something else stupid to numb the emotion because I can’t handle it –> Rinse, lather, repeat.
18. How do I allow other people to cross my boundaries?
I agree to doing things like overtime even if I’m too tired to because I want to be a good sport. This leads to a cycle where people just expect me to volunteer and I keep doing so with a growing resentment. Then when I establish boundaries I feel bad.
19. What vulnerabilities am I afraid to share with others who love me?
Any of them.
20. How am I getting too caught up in other people’s problems?
I do the same thing my mum does, which is try to solve things in a very practical level even though I’d be the very person to know that things aren’t always that simple.
21. How am I fully present with the people I love when I’m with them?
I have a trauma disorder, am I ever truly present? *X-files music starts playing.*
22. How am I manipulating someone in order to get my needs met?
I’m manipulative enough to not to answer this question because what’s the point in manipulating if you tell how you’re doing it? I’m many things but I’m not stupid.
This is the same thing when I was once asked could I be manipulated into giving another person my meds.
I asked what would the manipulation entail.
Apparently asking me.
‘That’s not very good manipulation’, I said.
23. Where am I making my life more complicated or difficult than it has to be?
By getting wound up over things like spelling mistakes even though in the great scheme of things they really don’t matter.
24. Are my beliefs about life, religion, my kids, my family, my spouse, or politics the absolute truth?
No, because you never truly know someone. It’s the thing when you find out that someone you know is a serial killer. I’m yet to see an interview where someone says ‘called it’. When police were digging up bodies from John Wayne Gacy’s basement, his neighbours kept saying it couldn’t possibly be him who was responsible. John is the agreeable fellow who organises neighbourhood garden parties.
People have this weird thing where they think that someone couldn’t do a bad thing they’re accused of doing based solely on the virtue that they know them.
25. How am I using tasks, television, work, or the computer to avoid facing something?
The fact that I may have permanent brain damage due to something horrible that someone else did to me and my life may never be the same again. The fact that my rapist will never face consequences for what he’s done. Things that are too awful if you think about them for too long so it’s easier to distract yourself because how do you go on if you don’t?
26. How does my living space reflect my inner world?
Everything is neat on the surface even if a godly fire storm was about to rain upon it.
27. How am I mistreating my body or compromising my health?
By lying in bed basically 90% of the time when I’m not at work and eating absolute shite.
28. What do I feel passionate about, and how can I spend more time on my passion?
I don’t really, that’s the sad thing. I don’t feel things like passion anymore. I have interests but no passions.
29. What relationships require more of my time and nurturing?
All the people I’ve ignored for months because I’m too depressed or too much of a dickhead to hear about their lives.
30. How have I created a miscommunication or misunderstanding?
That I give a fuck when most of the time I honestly don’t. A lot of things are indifferent to me. Like children. I can be very nice to children but I still don’t particularly like or dislike them. I’m not a motherly person in the slightest. I still act civilised towards them because it’s not their fault that they’re annoying.
Children usually love me because like cats they can recognise an allergic person and I listen to their endless ‘I did’-chronicles. Not because I particularly care but because I don’t want to discriminate this group of people for something that they can’t help.
I’ll do the other 30 if I feel like it.
I stole this list of questions from this site.