Holiday = Be depressed somewhere else!

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It’s funny how many people have recommended me a holiday ever since I got ill. I’m starting to think that travel agencies are doing some shady advertising work on the mental health side to boost their sales.

It’s such a healthy person’s solution: Go on a holiday! You’ll feel so much better when you’re back. They think about themselves, when they have been stressed out and how rejuvenated they have felt as a result of a getaway. It must work the same with mental illness, right?

Wrong.

You’re just depressed in a different climate. After stressing out about packing a right amount of meds, enduring the additional stress of travel and getting all set up at the destination you find yourself thinking what was the point of this exercise in the first place.

Believe me, I’d love to get away from it all. The problem is that I’m still there. As far as I’m concerned, my shitty brain is at the epicentre of the original problem I wanted to get away from in the first place.

Because my parents live in a different country, everyone seems to think that either visiting them or them visiting me is going to make a difference. I speak to my parents every day. We’re very involved in each others’ lives, we’re just not physically present. People get too hung up on the physical distance. My parents could be living down the road and not give a shit about me.

Now I’ve taken a bit of a cop-out form of a holiday and come to visit my parents in Finland for a few days. Over the years I’ve become increasingly detached from my birth country and the few people I’m still in touch with are my sole reason I bother to turn up. This is another thing people who haven’t lived abroad have a hard time understanding. How can you not feel nostalgic about the country you were born and raised in?

Easy. Depression.

Also, depression-travelling (depressioning? deprevelling? I’m trying to come up with a hashtag-able name here) is also annoying in the sense that you can’t get excited about it. With my rational hat on I know that I love seeing my parents and pets for the first time in six months. I just don’t feel it. Despite all the progress I’ve made in these last recent months. I try not to dwell on it but it’s quite disheartening to say the least.

I haven’t told them this. I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

The good thing about staying at my parents is that there is no social pressure. In any other form of holidaying I’d have this pressure to enjoy myself. Since I paid all this money and everything. I’m supposed to have fun. My ability to have fun has been seriously compromised in the course of the past eighteen months as it is. I don’t enjoy the activities I used to enjoy, let alone things I was anxious about even when I was healthy.

I’m not good at trying out new things. I prefer the old things, which I know I enjoy. If I was on holiday to somewhere I haven’t been to, even with close friends, I know I’d feel anxious about not enjoying myself, worrying that I’m ruining it for everyone. So going to my birth country is a total cop-out but I try to be nice to myself. I’m having hard time as it is here, need to cut myself some slack somewhere.

But I’m staying with the two people who brought me into existence. I can be as pathetic as I like. I can stay in bed all day reading and cuddling the dogs. It’s great. Also this is the only hotel I know that does my laundry for me. As laundry is the one job I don’t seem to be able to motivate myself to do until I’ve literally run out of clothes, it’s great. Also I have zero pressure in exploring the local sights because I know them already like the back of my hand.

This is actually a bad example because I just found a scar I’ve no idea where it came from on back of my right hand. Has anyone else noticed that their pain threshold has increased with depression? I’m talking about a very visible scar. That shit must’ve hurt but I’ve completely missed it.

With that it’s good to finish this captain’s log. God help us all.

These are some thoughts on the first day of my holiday. If you’re not interested in hearing about my first depression-excursion (deprexcursion?), I recommend you ignore this blog for a while.

 

23 comments

  1. I took a mixed state on vacation last year. Sometimes I was ok, sometimes I really wasn’t. Unfortunately this ol’ brain of mine travels with me. It’d really be paradise if I could leave all my MH issues at home sometimes. I’m going on a cruise next year and I’m paranoid about the whole meds thing…..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Totally. Feel. You. Babe.

    Going on holiday was wild when in the state I’m in. Going back to see my parents is not a holiday, but – bless them – no easier.

    Packing medicine is a fucking nightmare. You’re just a damn truth teller.

    It’s weird to be in a situation where a ‘break’ ends up feeling like the exact opposite. Depression has some very funny ideas.

    I really hope you get some rest, enjoy the lovely animals and your parents, and accept that although depression came with you (hi friend!) it doesn’t have to define the entire experience. It’s different. But it’s still you.

    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my gosh I’m so glad you’ve written this… I always here the ‘take a holiday’ comment and I’m just like why? My mood doesn’t change just because the environment changes? It’s just another place to feel down and out. I also live away from family and friends and am pretty much on my own a lot so being around anyone, family or no, isn’t really so profoundly comforting as it should be… thanks for sharing and I hope your trip is at least somewhat ‘relaxing’ for you xx At least you’ve been reunited with your pooch 😁

    Shevy
    http://moonsomnia.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • I honestly think it’s because people who don’t have any idea of mental illness try to think of themselves at their lowest points when a break from things HAS indeed helped. So I think it comes from a good, albeit ignorant, place. Thank you for reading Shevy, I will be doing my absolute best not to let depression ruin things for me (yet again). And I’ve indeed been reunited with my beloved furbaby. More pics imminent, thank you for reading and being as lovely as always Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it’s weird that people can’t grasp the fact that your brain is kinda, you know, stuck inside your head so, wherever you’re going, it’s coming, too! Enjoy the time with your parents and pups as much as you can, but know we all understand that it’s not so straightforward. x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on and commented:
    You have to read this. the post clears a huge misconception about depression. its like picture of your mental state taken at a vacation.
    please do check blog of this lovely lady and her brilliant effort to raise awareness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well thank you very much, that’s a kind thing to say. I had a bout of several months when I was too unwell to write but I’ve picked it up again gradually. Thank you for reading! 🙂

      Like

  6. I think you blogging about your depression is a wonderful resource for anyone who is dealing with the same disease. You are so right about the general public having absolutely no idea what clinical depression is all about. It’s not a choice to be sad. Going on holiday won’t make it all better. Mental illness still has a stigma to it that needs to change for everyone’s good. I applaud you and hope with all my heart you find wellness soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. When I went to Portugal last summer it was actually very freeing, and I learnt that I never relax. In another country I feel I can, back home I work myself into the ground, and berate myself for not working hard enough, so a holiday got me away from things for a while. My anxiety however was very present. It’s definitely not a take a holiday and you’ll be cured!

    Liked by 1 person

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